Countdown to my A Levels

Why not me?

I feel like I'm living the worst day over and over again
I feel like the summer is leaving again
I feel like I'm living the worst day
I feel like you're gone
Every day is the worst day ever


i skipped my History prelim exam.
my teacher called my mum and my mum told my dad.
and so my sin found me out.


Yesterday was the worst day ever
And tomorrow won't be better
It's history repeating on and on


i could see that my mum was controlling herself, refraining from ranting at me like she used to, and my dad hasn't spoken to me about it yet.
i just feel that my existence in this world has only added liabilities to the lives of people around me.
my exorbitant Maths tuition fees are scorching my mum's finances and i'm letting down others who have high expectations of me.
i feel so lousy having made my mum so worried.


The waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me,
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed.


recently i watched the news.
earthquakes, tremors, plane crash and Avian flu, claiming lives here and there.
i ask, "Just why not mine?"


The giants keep on telling me, time and time again,
"Boy, you'll never win. You'll never win."


"Lord Jesus, You've gotta save me from the waves that are gonna crash on me in 40 days' time. It's in Your nature, 'cause i know only You have an infinitely high Marginal Propensity to Save, so please reach out Your mighty hand and pull me out of this mess that i've created myself."


But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story.
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid."
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory."


nowadays, the only times i can feel my sense of self-worth are on Sundays when i attend church and go for practice for the missionary trip to Northern Thailand after my A levels. other than that, i'm struggling each day to embrace Godly attitudes towards my existence on this planet.


Out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth.

A plea to God

How i wish God had left that bottle alone, so that He could make me start studying right from the beginning, say Sec 3. but all i can do now is look ahead, fix my eyes on Jesus and stop dwelling on my ugly past.



"i'm really sick and tired of being a mediocre student and getting mediocre grades, so God would You please be more generous in giving me Your wisdom? just 0.00000001 percent of it is more than enough to make me a genius like Albert Einstein, John Maynard Keynes or Sir Isaac Newton, but i require only about 0.00000001 percent of the amount You gave these geniuses to help me grasp their main theories and concepts so that i can pass my A levels with flying colours."


the Photoelectric effect, Theory of Income Determination and Calculus are just some of the many areas that i'm unsure of at present, but as Abraham trusted in God, so will i.


"anyway i also owe You a word of thanks for providing me with the constant encouragements from my family and friends at this time, which i am so in need of."



life has indeed been different (and difficult) for me. i'm already heading in the right direction but my pace just isn't right. after days of studying long hours (8-10 hours a day mean alot of hours to me), i would feel good that i managed to sit down and study. but at the same time, i would know that it just wasn't enough. i doubt my Prelim results would show a marked improvement. the papers were really terrible, Maths in particular ('cause i've got expensive tuition for that and yet i couldn't do well). i could sense that other students are fighting to get As while here i am struggling to get above Ss and Us, not to even mention hitting a pass. what kind of a student is that? what kind of a Christian student is that?


okay i'm not supposed to use the com for long, even though i have remarkably been using it only once a week (on Sunday mornings before i go to church). so that's my life for you at the moment. i know it's gonna be over soon 'cause i can already see the end coming. The end is near.


oh ya there's Communion later ...

Hotchpotch of desperate notes

Attitude

the past few weeks have been horrendous ad nauseam. and i don't mean that i'm no longer feeling distraught over my A levels now, even though i believe God has just spoken to me through the following words by the author of Day by Day.

"The attitude I choose keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there's no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me. Let's choose each day and every day to keep an attitude of faith and joy and belief and compassion."
- Charles Swindoll

i may not be coping well with studies (i may not be a studious person), but my attitude from now onwards shall keep me going ...

Deliverance in Hell

Glen's life cycle

NDP 2007 Preview @ Potong Pasir

Triviality

i know this is gonna sound childish but i thought i should voice it out in response to a blog entry.


recently i flared up at a classmate for something considered trivial: crumpling my school uniform again, for fun.


i used to not mind wearing a crumpled top wherever i go, until i saw people wearing crumpled tops (intentionally or unconsciously), which looked awful to me. then i realise i had been taking my mum's ironing my school uniform for granted. (she's been ironing my sister and my school uniforms so that we may have more time to study, albeit a few minutes.)


i went to apologise to him one hour later for flaring up and literally begged him not to crumple my uniform again. i told him that he may do to me whatever he likes to 'disturb' me, except messing my hair and crumpling my uniform. i had thought he got the message, but he still tried to joke around the next day by pretending that he was gonna crumple various parts of my uniform, as if to tease me for kicking up a big fuss about it the other day.


"I really don't understand why it affects you so much.
It's not as if you're going home with a perfectly untouched shirt!
It bothers me a lot more that such a little thing bothers you.
Anyway, I was joking when I said I didn't get the point.
No need to get so angry."


perhaps i was indeed kicking up a huge fuss over something trivial. since my secondary school days, i've been conscious of my appearance. my mood is always affected whenever people touch my hair or crumple my shirt. it's as if a part of me has gone crooked and i can't function as normally as i do. i always check my hair and attire before leaving the house, so that kinda starts my day off knowing that i'm in top form. but once my hair gets messed up or my shirt gets crumpled by an external force, i'd feel uneasy.


well, that's me. that's one of my many imperfections. maybe my classmate or other people don't mind that. hmmm. perhaps one day i should do the same to him since his advice to me was "You shouldn't be so bothered about how people think about your outward appearance." but if i do the same to him, it will utterly contradict the tenet of "doing unto others what you want others to do unto you"!


probably he hasn't realised how awful a crumpled shirt looks, like how i was disgusted by those people who wear crumpled shirts, even if it is a small crease. yesterday, he 'offered to adjust' the sling on my bag, because it was "crumpling my uniform". yeah i know he meant it as a joke, but that seemed as if to tease me again. obviously he didn't get my message.


yes, even if he had never deliberately crumpled my uniform, it would still be crumpled and not remain perfectly without any crease at the end of the day, but you see, the creases made by other forces like my bag are due to slight pressing and they are not as obvious as those made by deliberate crumpling with a clenched fist!


on the part why i'm so concerned about how people think about my outward appearance. i have always been taught in school and at home about looking good. it's sort of a social etiquette. probably his secondary school didn't emphasise on neat uniform and proper hairstyle as much as mine did (even though his primary school might more likely have done), that's why he hasn't realised that even a slightly crumpled school uniform doesn't speak highly of a student.


yes, as Christians, we should not be concerned too much on our appearance, rather, we should work on our character, and that's what matters the most. however, that doesn't mean we ignore our outward appearance totally. i shall try pulling down his school tie one day, and see if he will adjust it back, since he should also not bother what other think. my point is, a crease-free shirt together with a properly-worn tie is all part of a neat school uniform.


hai, i didn't intend to make this such a long entry. but in order to bring my message across in its entirety, i had to do this at the expense of my study time. a 5-page SMS or a 2-page postcard just wouldn't do.


probably after all these, he still doesn't "understand why it affects me so much". i guess it's just different individual awareness levels that we each possess. anyway at least i did my part to try making him understand where i'm coming from. nevertheless, i still value him as a close buddy and i hope he thinks the same way too.

Pride of the team

you gotta watch this last SAJC goal scored in the A Division Football Championship 2006 at the Old Lady of Kallang from 40 metres by Jeremy Ong - True Master of the Dead Ball