Wanted to write this last night but i was afraid i would doze off blogging halfway so i'm tapping on the freshness of the new morning to do this now. Despite the morning freshness, i’m going to just say what comes to mind, so please pardon my incoherent writing for this post (assuming my other posts are coherent).
First, let me express this.
i'm of the idea of transparency and letting everyone know my inner thoughts and other truths. (Of course i also want to save the troublesomeness of answering to everyone who asks, but i’m not saying you shouldn’t ask.) i know that some of these truths might unsettle certain people (truth hurts!) but i believe God will work through these truths to bring forth His will for
Jesus Himself is the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6). Allow me to share what i’ve learnt from and agreed with a magazine called
Broader Perspectives:
“The point of human beings being able to speak is to communicate our thoughts, not to hide them. As long as we treat lying as something to be expected, we will always look at other people askew. When trust is hindered and communication is less open, we lose our ability to formulate solutions together as a society.” So, i don’t mind if this post is being read by anyone, because i’ve found that people can relate better with me when they know what i feel and think. It also helps my fellow siblings in Christ to pray for me more specifically and these specific prayers have gone a long way in helping me grow in spiritual maturity.
As i’ve learnt in Christianity and Economics, we live in an imperfect world with imperfect information and knowledge. But i’ll do what i can to correct this ‘market failure’.
Okay here we go.
This entire experience has been one of seeking God’s will, obeying it and surrendering to Christ.
And i’m proud to say i’ve made considerable progress mastering the basics of this Christian discipline. It’s been a bumpy ride for the past week, especially after it was announced that those below 21 years old are not allowed to go for the mission trip unless both parents’ signatures are given. That was the first sign of God’s will to me. Initially, like what i’ve posted previously, i was depressed i wouldn’t be able to go to Thailand this year.
i couldn’t see the bright side of being under 21 years old and i blamed God for not forming me in my mother’s womb at least 7 months and 17 days earlier 20 years ago. But then, after a period of fasting and praying, i’ve figured that the next 10 days may not be as fulfilling as i had imagined, but i will be exactly where God wants me to be.
Everyone on the team has his/her own unique experience of how the political situation in Thailand has directly affected them through the postponement of the trip (to some) and cancellation (to others). Mine went to a climax last night, when my mum became upset and when Uncle James was slated to meet my dad after the final team briefing.
My mum was upset because her flight is on the 7th instead of the 5th when the majority leaves for Chiangmai. She said she already applied leave from the 5th to the 14th and it wouldn’t be worthwhile to go for only a week. She didn’t understand why my ticket got confirmed before hers when my status was more uncertain (i had to wait for my dad to sign an indemnity letter). i doubt she understands now even after Uncle Lawrence explained to her last night. i was wondering along with my mum about the tickets, but when i listened to Uncle Lawrence, i was able to understand it at once. Perhaps it was the spiritual bondage that obscured my mum’s understanding of the big picture. Anyway i've received news from Choon Tee that all the flights are now scheduled to be on the 5th so my mum gets to go on the 5th now. Thank God.
There’re so many of us who can’t even go, and there she was making a big fuss over the triviality of a 2-day delay in her flight schedule. To put it bluntly, i was ashamed of being her son at that moment. I remember how Felicia shared about her mum last week when all the unforeseen circumstances the team’s facing were starting to unfold. I thought she was pretty mean towards her mum (but i admire her straightforwardness). i was telling myself, “How can she say that to and of her mother?” But now i realise i’m not any different from her. i’m guilty of not being caring
enough to my mum. i emphasise the word
enough because i thought i’d shown
enough care and because she hasn’t shown any signs of changing her attitude, I have given up on her. That was what happened last night. i totally ignored her.
Please understand this. It’s not that i didn’t try at all. i did, sometimes alone, sometimes with my sis, to convince and encourage her that she has been feeling this way mainly due to her own misconceptions of others. My sis and i tried to tell her it’s normal to not please everyone. There’re surely a few who don’t like us. This is especially so for an earnestly God-seeking Christian.
Jesus tells us the world hates us because they hated Him first, and because we are of God and not of the world, the world hates us too (John 15:18). But when (almost) everyone we encounter, especially in God’s family, has a problem with us but not with the rest, then we ought to check ourselves rather than blaming them for not showing enough love to us. My sis and i shared with our mum that we also face problems in our relationships with people, within and without the church (my mum thinks everyone likes us).
But we don’t conclude that it’s their problem and then leave the church for another or evade the problem altogether (maintaining an indefinite cold war with that person).
A dictum puts it aptly,
“Your perspective determines reality.” Every time my sis and i talked to our mum, i thought we’ve gotten the message across to her. But no, she has nevertheless failed to change her pessimistic perspective of how other people view her, time and time again (yes Rachel,
time and time again). People have been urging us (her children) to talk to her in order to bring about the
change they can believe in, because we’re closer to her than they are.
i apologise for the apparent stalemate. So as imperfectly human as i am, i gave up on trying anymore, even when my sis continued to try again last night. It was a terrible time, i must say.
Uncle James and Aunty Christianne sent me home after the meeting last night and they came to ask my dad for his consent to let me go for this trip.
Even if my dad was not to sign the indemnity letter, his verbal consent would have sent me re-packing my luggage right away! But i have surrendered to God’s will and i believe it is God’s will for me to stay in Singapore this time. Don’t get me wrong. i fully accept and respect my dad’s decision. Like i told Uncle Vincent, i’m not a father (
i’ll be known as Father Abraham in time to come but not as yet) so i won’t truly understand the struggles my dad (and parents of the other members below 21) have to go through now (even for those who have given their consent).
So, in my perspective, when my earthly father said, “No” last night, so did my Heavenly Father. And i believe i'm honouring both of them right now.
After Uncle James and Aunty Christianne left, i went online to change my Facebook status to update those who love me. i admit i’ve been addicted to Facebook, uploading photos and videos, tagging my friends and stuff, but i wasn’t doing much of that last night. Anyway that was the time when my sis was there for my mum trying to talk sense into her in her room like we have been trying previously to but to no avail, while i sat in the living room in front of my computer. As i mentioned earlier in this blog post, it was a terrible time. i could hear my sis in tears trying very hard to correct my mum’s (usual) negative assumptions. i overheard my mum saying something like, “You’re siding with those in church, of course you’ll say these!” That was similar to what my mum told me on the phone before we left the meeting last night. She said something along the lines of, “You can continue sticking close to them and neglect me.” i felt so helpless.
Now she thinks even we, her own children, are against her. Hai.
When my sis and mum finally came out of the room, my sis was still in tears and she rebuked me for not even trying to listen to our mum. My sis also accused me of not applying what i’ve read in the book
Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris, of not doing the hard thing of listening to my mum despite failures of past attempts in convincing our mum. i retaliated for a while but saw no point in justifying myself because it would make things worse. i felt i didn’t do anything wrong. i have tried as many times as humanly possible and it was high time i left this humanly impossible task of changing my mum’s warped perspective to God who promises in
Luke 18:27 that
"What is impossible with man is possible with God." But after a night’s prayer, i realise i was actually choosing the easy way out by using that verse to my own discretion. Another verse came to mind. It’s from
Matthew 18: 21-22: “Peter came up and said to [Jesus], ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.’” In essence, Jesus means forgiving every time. Although i’d still say it wasn’t appropriate for my sis to use
Do Hard Things in a negative way like she did to me last night, i admit i should have still pressed on and listened to our mum. Mei, if you’re reading this, may i urge you not to use the phrase in such a way again? Because it may spoil the actual intention of the Harris twins and other rebelutionaries. Check out this article written by the twins’ father at
http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2007/07/how-to-spoil-do-hard-things/i don’t expect my mum to change anytime soon but i’ll of course keep her in my prayers. And seriously i need to pray harder especially now she’s going on the trip without my sis and me. As you have guessed, my greatest worry is her relationships with the other team members. Trip after trip, since 2004, she has never failed to (sadly) stir up a certain degree of ___ (i haven’t thought of an appropriate word) within the team.
i need to clarify, i’m not trying to put my mum in a bad light here. It’s purely just to be transparent like i’ve mentioned at the beginning of this post so that people may know us better and those who love us can pray for us more specifically. i’m grateful to everyone who has been so tolerant and understanding towards my mum. The only thing i can do is to leave her in God’s hands and ask the other team members to continue to be tolerant and understanding.
As i have learnt, God has placed my mum in my life to not only to test my faith but more importantly to help me understand the love of Christ. Jesus must have come across many more hard-to-love people than any of us but He still loves them all the same and even dies for these people. Honestly, till today i still don’t understand how anyone is able to love so unconditionally. Only God is equivalent to such an unfailing love. Even though we’re not God, we are called to do the same.
Leviticus 11:44 tells us, “I am the LORD your God. Consecrate yourselves therefore, and be holy, for I am holy.” Ya, so I guess God places certain people in our lives to show us what it means to love them as Christ does.i’m just thankful for this whole thing because as much as it has shaken things up a lot, so much has it also drawn me closer to Jesus Christ Himself. i think this would not have been possible without God’s grace that i undeservedly have received and the constant prayers of those who love me. i apologise for not including your names here because i know i’ll miss some names out. Please pardon me.
Your rewards are in Heaven. Haha.
This episode has also taught me a few valuable lifelong lessons.
Apart from those aforementioned (seeking God’s will, obeying it and surrendering to Christ), i have also learned to move away from a self-centred response towards a Christ-centred and others-centred one. i think this is really cool. Of course i don’t imply that i’m totally selfless and not at all self-centred,
but i’m again proud to say i’ve made considerable progress mastering the basics of this Christian discipline. For instance, when my sis rebuked me last night, i felt indignant at first, and i tried to justify myself. But i was
promptly prompted by the Holy Spirit to stop looking out for my own pride and ego but rather look out for what Jesus would have done and how others are feeling about the prevailing situation. So, i abruptly stopped refuting my sis’ allegations of me (
which turn out to be rightly true). There’re a couple of other instances during the past few days or so in which i have responded in a similar way.
It’s just purely amazing to stop resisting but go along with the flow of the Holy Spirit. i got to see first-hand how God’s faithfulness has been following me throughout this whole Thailand-less experience, just like how He saw me through my two A level experiences and of course my BMT, although all of them weren’t exactly what i had wished to be. i must say God’s been good to me, even during the troughs my recent life. i’ve always asked God to remind me of His goodness especially when i’m down because i think those are the most important times in my life when my faith is tested beyond its limit. Boy, He’s never failed to bring me close to Himself during these times of trial. i know that there are many around me who do not seem to enjoy the intimacy i have with God. My mum is one of them. i can’t tell these people that i understand what they’re going through for the mere fact that i can’t possibly fully do so!
Everyone has his/her own unique struggles (although some may be common), so it’d be very insensitive to downplay other people’s problems by saying God is good and all will be fine. i’m oft a victim of such well-meaning but tactless attempt to comfort a person. So, i’m not gonna make the same mistake here.
Just allow me to make some suggestions.
Be open to the visitations of God’s Holy Spirit. And i can’t emphasise this enough: read God’s word – the Bible! (i won’t delve into the details of the boons of reading the Bible.) i know it isn’t easy. i do struggle to read the Bible every single day, but i get great help from supplementary materials like the
Life Application Study Bible and a few Quiet Time devotionals such as
Every Day with Jesus by Greg Laurie and
Every Day with Jesus by Selwyn Hughes.
Once again, i’m proud to say proud to say i’ve made considerable progress mastering the basics of this Christian discipline. Oh ya, one more thing. Reading Christian books helps a lot too. I’m currently reading (re-reading actually)
Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris which is an apt book for teenagers (i’m not a teen anymore but it’s still extremely relevant). Books by Max Lucado (my favourite author) are very good too.
Remember not to quench the Holy Spirit (1 Thessalonians 5:19)!"It's all about You, JesusAnd all this is for YouFor Your glory and Your fameIt's not about meAs if You should do things my wayYou alone are GodAnd I surrender to Your ways ... "
